What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 13:56
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
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He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
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I did it because my mum asked me too!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was seconnd youngest,
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Comes on , in middle age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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I was scared of men, in general
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I waited trembling.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im still living with it.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I never cut or harmed myself..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
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I don,t even have a pension.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
It was going to be , some day.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I think the readers, may guess!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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I could never make a relationship work though!
She found it foreign!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was in good health!
I was very sick at this time too.
I write beautiful poetry .
I will be 64.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Put me off passion for life!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
I couldn’t, believe it.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
And i lived it daily.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
But, we were locked up after school.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
So, i spoilt her more .
But ive been too sick for many years..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What did i know ?
He knew the spot.
But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Would this be the day?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
This is soul school!.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
When she asked me how she looked .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why did i forgive my father ?
So whats the point in blame.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She loved him until the end.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Was to survive, this bastard.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Who then, do I blame.?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Especially a lifetime of it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were not on the streets..
All the time i was locked up.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One cannot live in the past .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was 9 years of age.
She married twice! .
As i do to all so called friends.?